OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
