I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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