Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
