I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
