just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
