gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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