no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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