it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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