I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
