i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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