I'm laying in your front yard are you home
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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