And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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