yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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