Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
