look no pants
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She told me I should be a condom model.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
