I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
There's always time for handjobs
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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