ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
