Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
