Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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