The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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