I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I supernannyed him into submission
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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