I accidentally had phone sex last night
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
