he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
