My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What a dumb baby whore.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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