Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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