Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
