I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
i just google imaged poop.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
