The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
