y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
