I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
