there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
