I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
