I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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