do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I have fence marks all over my body
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
