I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
