Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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