I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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