Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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