i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
