She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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