one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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