Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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