Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
