I just threw up on my dentist
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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