I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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