my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
