the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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