I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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