i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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