this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
