I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
