Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
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