I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
