ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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